Somehow, each of the following bands got signed to a record label of moderate means. I’m still trying to figure it all out. Here are some theories.

1. GREELEY ESTATES

- These guys have to be the most anonymous screamo band in existence. Tens of thousands of people have likely seen them on a Warped Tour stage, but have never stopped to ask who they are. Signing theory: nepotism is the only thing remotely rational.

2. ESCAPE THE FATE

- Maybe”Uncle Brett” likes it when the kids come around and play 80s Glam-Metal Dress Up. Thank you VH1 – we are now seeing the fruits of the Behind The Music generation.

3. MY AMERICAN HEART

- I’ve got nothing…

4. CUTE IS WHAT WE AIM FOR

- At first I was mildly disgusted that Fueled By Ramen was systemically destroying its credibility with a number of pathetic signings, but now I think it has taken on a trainwreck-like characteristic. Never before have I seen a label shred its built up goodwill so hard and so fast. While the signing of LIFETIME was a nice momentary diversion, releases from groups like COBRA STARSHIP, POWERSPACE, and CUTE IS WHAT WE AIM FOR present one of the most shallow musical runs in recent memory. I can’t recall a lick of CUTE IS WHAT WE AIM FOR’s sound (besides feeble pop), but I sure have read a lot about the singer’s hair!

5. FOUR LETTER LIE

- Every year Victory has a few pop bands that sprout like dandelions. They peak for a couple of days, usually around springtime, and then they get stomped on and heavily poisoned, left to die quickly and out of sight. Signing theory: an intentional desire to build up a band’s dreams and then shatter them into a thousand pieces.