…we might as well just skip all the trickery and print a whole bunch of lies:

- Lobster Records is in talks to sign THE HAUNTED to a North American deal.

- After adding ROSES ARE RED to the Trustkill Roster, word on the street is that Maryland’s VIOLETS ARE BLUE will be showcasing for them.

- The Mets will win the World Series in 2004.

- UNEARTH will be featured in a Pepsi commercial to support the release of their Metal-Blade debut. Metal is the new Britney Spears.

- This show will happen: LIFETIME, KID DYNAMITE, PAINT IT BLACK, NONE THE BLACK.

- Absolutepunk.net and Punknews.org will meet in a steel caged server tossing deathmatch. Many user accounts will perish.

- THE HIVES will release a new disc and no one will care (wait a minute….)

- BANE, COMEBACK KID and WITH HONOR will compete in the “”most epic gang vocals”" competition in late summer. As it stands, WITH HONOR has an early lead in the prelims, but it looks like BANE may be training a corps of baby seals to shout-along to the recording of their next album.